Not sure any two guys could look more alike than these two. Carlton is the oldest boy of the sibling group of five we adopted and Daniel is the youngest boy. Undeniably alike.
Today Carlton had to be back at the ranch by 4. Caleb rode with us. Carlton listened to his music and ignored talk all the way, Caleb and I engaged in talk. What a difference in these guys! People always ask how Carlton is doing. I can say "fine" but obviously not normal fine because he is not living at home. Fine meaning that within the parameters of the ranch and their structure he is somewhat successful. Not flying with the eagles, not on the top good behavior level, but he's just fine. We feel that with the level of structure he currently has he might make it to graduation.
I talked with Scott and told him we likely needed to document behaviors when he was home. He isn't "out there" but neither is he "here" sometimes either. As Scott's parents got ready to leave Saturday morning I was in the driveway with a few of my kids to hug and wish Grannie and Pa goodbye. I watched, without saying anything, as Carlton turned his back and stood under a tree not 15 feet from where we were saying our goodbyes. I waved and walked back into the house. When Carlton came in I asked why he didn't tell them bye? I asked why he hid under the tree? I explained that if he had been in the house and had not known they were leaving I would have understood, but to ignore them? I didn't understand. I even explained that Grannie and Pa had waited until Thursday to come because he would be home, everyone would be there to spend time with. Carlton is about "self", only himself.
We allowed him to go to our friend Harvies to visit on Saturday. Scott had him come home to fix Harvie and himself a plate for dinner. Scott then (at 7:30 pm) let Carlton walk back to Harvies with the food, after telling Carlton to come home when they finished eating. At 9:30 Scott called to have him come home. We weren't' really worried about Carlton, but had waited on him to come home on his own. Hummm...not sure when that would have happened?
Today I told him as we were eating lunch before leaving the house for the ranch that he had clothes in the dryer, but if we left them until we were ready to leave they would probably have time to dry. He immediately walked to the dryer and bagged the clothes. I asked him what I said and he had no clue.
One of the big issues I personally have in dealing with Carlton is the fact that IF he is listening, he rarely UNDERSTANDS. That is so debilitating. I feel it's also disrespectful. I did talk to him briefly about why it's important for him to listen. Why it's important to HIM. Surprisingly he does not like to be questioned. Geez! If I am never sure you hear the words I say then you'll likely get drilled a lot of "what did I say?" "Do you have any questions?" "can you tell me what I said in your own words"....all those yucky, but apparently much needed follow-ups.
I say all that and I cannot talk about Carlton without saying we are so very blessed by the Ranch and all their staff! More importantly, Carlton is blessed through their love, concern and leadership!! The knowledge that he is in such a great place makes that 6 hour round trip slightly (lol....a whole lot) easier!!
Has Carlton ever been dx'd with any type of processing delays? One of my kids was dx'd with auditory processing disorder which just means that it takes much longer for her to hear - and understand - what someone has just said to her. Usually it takes so long, we're repeating ourselves before she has completely understood and that throws her off because she's processed 1/2 to 3/4 of what we said, didn't get to the last part and we're saying the first thing over, which makes her forget the last part - and on it goes. Sometimes we can't tell if she's not answering a question because she's being stubborn, or because she doesn't understand. Two of my boys were dx'd with "global" processing disorders which encompasses all senses. Augh - not fun. It is impossible to consistently have a conversation with any of them and we can never tell them to do more than one thing at a time - no matter what they're age. The problem I see is that because of these deficits, they have to work harder at listening, ask questions if they aren't sure they understand and then follow up with you to make sure they have finished whatever it is that they're supposed to have done. It is more work for THEM and they have to be willing to do it - unfortunately, I have yet to see a child/teen voluntarily do more work when they need to in these situations. That's sad because it will definitely impact their lives - relationships, jobs, maybe even to a life/death degree.
ReplyDeleteNo dx's Lisa. Sadly a lot of plain old early childhood loss. We were told during a hospitalization following him stealing a car that he had no conscience. Hard for us to accept...seriously...no conscience?! But, that total lack of concern for others truly is a devestating as the delays you mentioned....long term they make sad sad impacts on the very life of a child.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing Amanda - the conscience issue. He was pretty young during the car theft episode. I'm wondering HOW they decided he didn't have a conscience. I have pointedly asked my son's psychiatrist this question - does he have one? If he doesn't, what can we do to document this for the future?. He said that people can develop a conscience over time and practice. I wasn't too thrilled with that answer since my son has had many opportunities to practice the skills of empathy/sympathy and what the bottom line always turns into is - "How does ths affect ME?". His only concern is survival and that's after being raised in our family since he was 9 mos old. He's never gone hungry, been cold or without shelter. He's always had nice clothes and toys and opportunities. Yet, he acts like he has to fight for everything and is always looking out for #1. I do think some of our kids are hardwired like this because of FASD and early childhood traumas that seem imbedded in their psyches. Either way, I get so....frustrated by this. I have kids who are so appreciative of every little thing, and others who have the gimmes so bad I can't stand to take them anywhere.
ReplyDeleteWow...interesting topic. I appreciate the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI actually just wanted to comment on the beautiful family pic. Very creative. Really neat.
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteWith Carlton at the age of 11 they said he had absolutely no regard for others, only self. We spent years(really years) on conscience building training. It worked, yet not as you would think...he learned he "had to...." to earn privileges. I suppose anything was better than nothing. It was my understanding at the time that you usually do not see "lask of conscience" until people are old enough to make thier own descisions. As children we guide our children. When they do something wrong we make them apoligize...etc. It's when they are thinking independently that we see the lack of regard. Through the process of stealing the car(actually two cars), stealing hundreds of dollars, stealing at Wal-Mart, running from the police in a car, hitting a house, homocidal behavior with younger brothers, and running on foot from the police...they kinda figured out we had a problem!
Hilltrain....I love the picture too:) Starla, the photographer, is really a genius!
ReplyDeletefunny/cute how these oldest and youngest look so alike, as do the 2 middles- look like each other as well :)
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