These guys are growing up. No longer boys yet not men. That tough in between time is even tougher for Carlton and Zack. Zack has nearly caught Carlton in size, no small feat!
I spent all day yesterday with these two. Sometimes there are no words for that time....it's just an "experience".
Both boys are in very different settings. Zack is in a group home run by Youth Village. He is allowed any music he likes, any TV, nearly all movies, and many activities. As we went to the movie yesterday Zack had seen movies I would not even see. Carlton, who is in a Christian setting is not allowed the same freedom of the "world" and I believe is jealous of Zack's "freedom". Zack is jealous of Carlton who attends public school and can work and make money (and spend money...Zack's favorite part). Green Grass, I fear, will never be found by these boys under their OWN feet. That's a really sad realization for me.
I could never begin to explain how frustrating it's been to me when someone allows my child the "freedom" to watch movies, listen to music, etc. that I find completely inappropriate. We are so careful what we expose our kids to - have we ever messed up in that area? Sure, there is alot of media out there geared to kids that looks ok on the surface, but then you watch something and realize that the "adult humor" content was way too high for your comfort level and that's how we learn to be more discriminating about what our kids see. When my son came home from school (with a "free" yearbook - sigh) I looked at a list in it of the top 10 movies of the school year. There was only 1 movie on that list that I let him watch ("Up") - he, however, informed me that he had watched almost every other movie at school. At school? He watched "Twilight" at school? He watched 6 others that I wouldn't even see as well. At public school? It makes me crazy. Of course, my son and a few of his siblings are very naieve - my son probably believes that vampires really exist - and date teenage girls - even though they are hundreds of years old - augh. I know that my 17 yo really believes that every teenage girl lives life like a Taylor Swift song (sneaking out to see the boyfriend, lying to parents, all those happily ever afters, etc). I just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, your boys will likely be unhappy with what they have forever. They will never realize what a privilege something is since they have the same entitlement issues a few of mine have. What they have will be taken for granted as expected but what others have will be unfairly out of their reach in their minds. I'm getting really good at handing my two their problems back when we're in counseling (so, counseling hasn't been a complete waste of time in that aspect - but it's close). Jess will say we won't allow her to do something to help herself and I'll counter with, "Oh, you absolutely CAN do that, as soon as you fulfill this requirement" or "Yep, you're absolutely correct, you will not be doing such and such until you demonstrate the ability to do this or until you're 18 and no longer living under my roof". I used to feel so cornered in counseling - always feeling like the unfair mom who overprotects and holds her kids back from doing "normal" teenage stuff. No longer. I don't care what my kids throw out there to make me look bad (and you know they want all the attention and sympathy they can get from others) - the facts are the facts. I desperately want smart, independent kids, but if that's not the way they're acting, they're not going to get the privileges that go along with that. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get here, but now that I am, I really am not taking things as personally.
I hope Zack and Carlton both come to the conclusion some day that they are in charge of their lives. If not, you'll know that you've given them all the tools they need to do it, they just can't because of their cognitive functioning (or lack thereof).
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI very much appreciate all you wrote. We have a hard time with Zack seeing the movie's he sees, yet we simply do not have any choice in the matter. I do have a very very long letter written in my mind that someday I will send to Youth Villages (when I am sure I will not need them anymore...lol). Sadly, in parenting Zack we have had to make compromises. I would never have imagined myself doing that, but it is so. I do not understand how a treatment facility would allow kids who have anger management problems and sexual issues to watch the movies they allow. Just Sunday, as I was allowing Zack to pick out a movie to buy he asked me if I had ever seen the movie Love Crew? I asked several times what he was saying and finally told him no I had not seem or heard of that movie.
He said, "Hold on" and ran back to the movie section to bring back the movie. He held it out and I said, "That is Love GURU and I have not seen it nor are we buying it." He said, "It's a great movie, but I don't want to buy it we already have it at the group home" Seriously? My child who cannot come home because of inappropriate sexual issues is watching Love Guru?!
It is frustrating and yes, the fact that there is cognitive issues only makes the road ahead of these guys much worst:(