To these faces:
Today I spent the day (or part of it) with these three guys. Carlton had to be back in Millington, Sam was with me because he is not yet in school and Zack we did not get to see during Christmas. So Carlton, Sam and I went and picked up Zack for a few hours.
I so badly wish these guys had strong bonds. I truly believe that relationships, family, can help you weather any storm. But for these guys? Family IS the storm.
Scott talked some the other night about parenting to each child's "bend". All of our children are different. All unique and seriously individual in their personalities, it is as God intended. But for these three the "bend" is so opposite. They do not share common beliefs or idealism's. As I sat today with them I was so sad FOR them. They do not realize the losses, but I do. I cannot tell you how competitive these guys are! Way beyond average. So much so that during our wait for our meal today they each had three refills. Why all three? Why all three refills? Not one of them wanted the other to have more. Some serious competition but telling of the depth of that seed.
Carlton does not like the boys. He is much like Hitler having to lunch with two Jews. He has always felt superior. No empathy or concern for either brother.
Sam acts like he is Cinderella and the others are the Step Sisters who receive so much more than he. Jealous to the end (unlike sweet Cinderella).
Zack? He just thinks they're all the Three Amigos! He never sees the bad (sounds nice until you have to deal with him on tough issues...he sees not wrong in doing what feels good!). He thinks they are the best of friends and treats them thus...which fuels the other two. It is a viscous cycle.
I told Scott I am not sure when I will ever have them all together again. It's days like today I wish for miracles...for Divine intervention...for the impossible. I wish to turn back time and see these boys have a chance at life! But, it is what it is...and sadly the "is" just isn't good enough.
How sad for all of you....they really don't see what they're missing though, which is hard for us to comprehend, since we see the big picture.
ReplyDeleteI loved your analogy about Carlton being like Hitler - so true. Of my trio, the oldest also has the superiority complex. The sad thing is, the youngest of the three has surpassed her educationally and the middle of the three is pretty much tied with her for attitude and behavioral issues. Whenever a dr. asks her if she's engaged in some negative behavior (drinking, smoking, drugs, whatever) she'll act so...insulted!! Like, "What? I would never do THAT!!", when the reality is, she's done other things that many would consider worse and the first opportunity that presents itself to participate in those behaviors, she'll be there. She also believes that if we can't prove she's done something (and I mean videotaped, hard-core PROOF), then she can deny it indefinitely and it's like it never happened. Augh...the thinking errors. She also acts like Cinderella, albeit a very pouty, very inefficient one. She can look really busy for long periods of time, but not actually DO anything.
We really have to stop worrying about their futures.....
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ReplyDeleteYou know Lisa, I come from a large family; Nine children, six adopted. That said, not to many years ago I heard my father reply to a question about 'how his kids were doing' in this way....
ReplyDeleteI have some who can and DO.
Some who can and don't.
And some who can't.
I often think of it that way too. I DO have successful children. I have some who could be with effort and I have some who truly are not capable. In those cases we have to know we are not God. But I am ever thankful that I can pray to Him and know He understands me completely (because they are his children too!!!).
What a nice saying - I will definitely have to remember that. I think I struggle mightily with the distinction between those who can't and those who won't.
ReplyDeleteAre Zack and Sam twins?
ReplyDeleteI know this must be so hard for you as their mom. I soooo much want my children to get along. I too know what they are missing when they don't, but we can't make it happen. Sorry.
They aren't twins Kelly. All three boys have September birthdays, just days apart and are currently 14,15 and 16.
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