When do you keep your promises? I was so very upset with Tasha yesterday. Just the day before we sat talking in the car about relationship and friendships, about self and reputation, the serious stuff. Then as I pulled up to gather my middle school chicks her teacher handed me a note with these words, "I thought we were fine, but maybe you can figure out what this means." A note written my my daughter and portions of it in "code" with the coded key attached. The "coded" part not at all nice.
We stood in the driveway, Tasha obstinately, me with note in hand. I began asking questions. I can tell you I have had enough experience with kids to know what questions to ask. In a matter of minutes her lies (to ME) became obvious and with that came the statement, "________ told me to write it, she wanted to know what those words looked like in code and she made me promise not to tell she was part of it." I am assuming that promise was elicited after the note was taken up. My hardheaded daughter shut down, thinking there was honor in keeping this "secret".
The very first three letters of the coded note had given me a clue that Tasha was not alone in the coding. The letters? "OM_" There is nothing that will make me raise my voice quicker or with more anger than a blatant disrespect to the Lord. ALL my children know that. All my children know that "oh my gosh" is not even allowed within my house...I am reminded of my childhood and my dad saying "If you are going to say something that sounds like a bad word you might as well say the real one!" And yes I have received spankings over "shoot" and "darns"...although in my defense..not more than once (I did manage to catch on!). As an adult I appreciate the same sentiments. So when I looked at the letter and at Tasha with her hard headed attitude I realized more was involved.
A letter is in the process (seemingly a long process) of being compiled for her teacher. A heated and long talk about reputation(heated because I just talked about it the day before).
There is a time to keep confidences. There is a time to be quiet. There is a time for all those admirable behaviors. BUT the time is not when the secret is about an ugly act and you(my child) are meant to take the fall. I realize my child part (a huge part quiet frankly) but I also realize she has a teacher who needs and explanation.
Humm...what a wonderful way to begin Spring Break!
I just about choked on my soda when I read the title of your post!! For the past few weeks, the topic of "secrets, secrets, and more secrets" has been at the forefront of our home. Kids keeping secrets from parents is a huge no-no here and since our family and our lives seem to be an open book to everyone around, I was completely blindsided by this.
ReplyDeleteDaniel and his (now former) behavior aid had lots of secrets from me - never a good idea when you're working with children - an especially bad idea when dealing with emotionally, cognitively and behaviorly impaired children. He's history.
My Katie (4th grade, age 10) has been keeping secrets from me because her older sister is intimidating her and she's scared. However, she had no problem sharing these ugly secrets with her classmates in the form of some very nasty letters that were confiscated by teachers. Two meetings and 5 children and their families involved and MY child was the instigator and the one who exposed the other kids to this ugliness. The older sister? Takes zero accountability since, after all, she didn't make her write the letters, she only gave her the information that made the letters possible. I feel we are the most dysfunctional family in the county at this point. Five of my kids seem to delight in blackmailing one another and so they've got to have enough secrets to do that. What's next?
I never needed more than one spanking to learn my lesson either - usually not even one. My kids? I'm despairing over their futures right now because no one seems to THINK about anything before they do it. They either think they're invincible and won't get caught or they plain, don't care. I can't figure out which for sure.