My friend...

I have, and perhaps some of you, followed my friend Cindy's escalation into great sorrow over her tough kids. I have know Cindy as a friend online for more than 10 years. I can remember her "young and enthusatist" and I see her now downtrodden. It is sad. But, it is so very real. I do not talk much about the downside to adoption (oh please...lol...I don't talk too much about the downside of parenting period!). Anyone, truly, anyone with any sense realizes there are some incredible success stories with adoption (and birth children), there are some average "good and bad" stories and there are some that make me cry. Cry over the losses of a child and the losses of dreams parents have for their children. I am the oldest of 9 siblings, 3 bio and 6 adopted. My dad says of his children, "I have some that can and do, some that can and don't and some that can't". I always laugh at the truth of the sentence. The ones who can't? They are the hardest to live through. My friend Cindy has a variety like my dad and myself. This morning I forwarded the following message to Cindy.

Oh Cindy,

I have been reading your escalating posts over the last few weeks without replying. For that I am sorry. I have prayed. So much loss. So much sorrow. So much compromise of self (even when you are strong and faithful and knowing....we are called to give way more than we should).

I shake my head, I cry, I understand. Yesterday I talked with a worker who wants us to have a parent evaluation to see if one of my guys (17 months in RTC with no progress only escalation) can come home. You know, that eval WILL say we (meaning Scott and I) can do it. We are intelligent, we are educated, we have resources, we have faith and resolve....BUT I cannot protect my 10 smaller younger children from his anger. I cannot introduce violence, knowing that the same child bragged yesterday that "staff"(aka...plural) cannot get him into a hold. I am staff at home, I am not a warrior, and I am not willing to go there. I can only plea sorrow. Such great sorrow.

The same worker tried to tell us that this child "Loved and respected me". No he doesn't. Truly. Love? To the degree he can perhaps. But respect? Absolutely not. I really hate being so negative, but you know....that's life. That's life with children we CANNOT fix. We can love, we can work, we can search out resources, but we cannot undo years of abuse.

I am so very sorry. I am sorry you give so much knowing that the return is nil. I want you to know I appreciate you so very much!! I am thankful, as so many others, that you are honest about your journey. I need honesty. I appreciate and love you my friend!!

Fellow mother-at-arms,
Amanda

I think I always need to remind myself that this world is NOT our home! We will live here, we will do the best we can, we will even be happy at times, but our true joy is not found upon this land, not found on this earth. That's something I have to constantly remind myself.

All that said, this is my life (just as surely as Cindy's is hers) and we have no choice but to persevere! I know that I can do all things (I need to do) because God has promised that if I am faithful He will be with me. So, I just have to keep up my end of the bargain:)