Roller Skates?

I told Sarah this is the picture everyone needs to see......

Because the next one will be of either Sarah or Paden in the ER. I only make that statement based on watching them in my living room for 5 minutes. Half way through that 5 minutes came Paden's question, "Don't you think we need helmets?". I followed with "AND knee pads and elbow pads!" They really just need insurance...glad they do have that covered!

But should they survive the learning curve they will have fun:)

Dishes

I know I would not surprise anyone if I made the statement, "I have a teenager who has a smart mouth". I truly believe that the statement is true of lots of young people in that age group. Although WHO coined the phrase a "smart mouth"? There is nothing at all smart about a mouth that can't be quiet, listen to reason or show respect. I'd rather say "I have a teenager with a dumb mouth". Makes so much more sense to me!

Yesterday morning, before church my Tasha began talking back and being disrespectful over brushing her hair....well, more to the point the fact that she had not brushed it and I asked her to brush. I KNOW that 99% of all the trouble my kids land in is over really really really poor choices involving dumb things. Not that brushing your hair is dumb, but the desire to argue over it...that's dumb. But, not surprising me at all, she did. I kid you not when I say she actually had grass in her hair. Truly. The long and short of the "dumb mouth" was that Tasha was given the chore of washing all the dishes in the sink and cleaning up, by herself, after lunch.

As I stood in the field taking these pictures.......





I asked Tasha, "Did you finish all the dishes?" She replied, ""yes" I then, just following up said, "All the dirty dishes are washed, dried and put away?" Tasha said, "They were when I left the kitchen." I thought that was impressive and I actually appreciated the manner in which she answered the questions (respectfully).
At least until I walked into the kitchen to see that what I thought was respect was truly deceit and lies. Once again her mouth interfered with civil conversation and she was told that she now had sink duty this whole week. Tasha will not leave the house after school everyday until the kitchen sink (and it's surroundings) are clean. Mouth entered in and after lots of yuck she left the kitchen without dinner and refused to do the still left over dishes (actually the GROWING left over dishes). I did walk to her room and tell her she had to have the dishes done and she could come finish them or I would wake her in the morning early to finish them, her choice.

Fast forwarding to morning my kids eating breakfast had to search for utensils...

One funny conversation went like this....

Jacob...I finished eating before you two (Tori and Ryan who were eating with him)
Ryan....well, duh!
Tori....look at your spoon! Of course you finished first!

The dishes situation is getting serious.

On a side not here...I do have children who "get it" and are happy. Mercedez happily assumes 'gas log starter' every single morning! This is where you see her about 6:30am.

AND she is the one who is responsible for getting Miss Nina up and going (they are always ready to go). I laughed at this of Sarah and Nina this morning eating their peanut butter toast....


I seemingly have a whole of of attitudes all happening at one time...

I told everyone to hurry up that dad was taking them to school in just a few minutes. We knew Tasha would not be done and Scott offered. Tasha immediately stopped washing and turned to leave the kitchen. I told her she would go to school when the dishes were done. She immediately was concerned about her perfect attendance, to which I reminded her of whose choice it was as to the timing of the dishes. She deflected and then said, "Dishes is no excuse for being late!" I simply smiled and told her if I needed to explain to the school why she was late I didn't mind at all. Excused or not they would be finished. I think she finally figured it out. I mean what I say.

Tasha arrived at school at 8:14 and the dishes and sink are all nice, neat and clean. I did smile at the "WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO EAT SO MUCH!!!" comments as she washed:) This week the sink duty will be hers. Some things are too important to back away from...respect will always be one of those "things" to me!

What does it look like?

I spent a whole session with Sam this week and a large part of that session was talking about success and what it looks like. Sam is great with words, he can tell you coping skills and rules, he can lay it all out and he has spent enough time in treatment to know what to say to most all the questions. The big one this week was "What will it take to get out off the Unit (psychiatric unit)and back in the outdoor program?" Sam could quickly and easily spout off the things needed. Then the questions was "What does that look like?" to each of the points. For example, not feeding into negative behavior...sounds good...but to Sam it was a "Close your eyes and tell me what you will look like, what things will you be doing when you are making that choice?" So many times I have found that the words, while truly powerful, are simply not enough. You need to SEE success. Much like a map. I can tell you how I am going to get to Knoxville but it is sometimes easier to SEE the way on a map. It depends on how you learn and almost always the reinforcement of BOTH is a plus.

How do you succeed? Choose it. Life will not be easy, no one promised it would be. But much like paddling our boat down a river, our choices, our work, each and every time we row we guide our way. And much like a paddling down that river....there will be long stretches of peaceful floating and there will be rapids and rough spots...but our knowledge of the path and our choices on that river will determine the outcome.

I am really good at talking the talk, at this point I have sat through YEARS of counseling. I have traveled nearly every week for 3 years to treatment centers and family therapy sessions. If I have learned anything I have learned the "words". But, as my children surely testify, those words are not enough. Knowing the words is not enough. You have to be able to turn those words into action. Sadly that is the point where my guys in treatment lose their way. Practical application is not a success story with them. Sam spent his last couple of weeks digressing and doing so poorly on the Unit that they believed he would not be capable of pulling himself out, so they "gave" him the out returning him to the outdoor program. I hope Sam can find his way back to baseline. He had really fallen from that point, and that is extremely serious.

Changing lanes I am adding a picture of my Michael. Michael is manager of the boys basketball team and loving it! He is the polar opposite of Sam. Michael easily sees the direction he wishes his boat to travel and he is moving on down the river! Growing up maybe a little too fast for me, but growing up in a terribly appropriate way! I love success....it looks different on everyone and yet the very premise of success carries some really solid principles.

No shave November

My two college guys were home for a while and I was able to enjoy them and their silliness. I love that! They take No Shave November pretty seriously, although they are not really "full bearded" guys....more Goatee guys:) I took this picture with Dad....who almost always sports a goatee....


This of my cute guys......


and Daniel took this picture of me and my big guys....obviously Daniel needs some more photography experience:)

Making it Great!

I have spent the last two days traveling to Knoxville and back again today. I left home at 4:45am Wednesday, driving in the rain for the next 5 hours. I did stop in Murfreesboro and pick up my wonderful mother-in-law who rode with me making the trip so much nicer! My father-in-law introduced me to Rain X which I will never leave home without again...I was made a HUGE believer after driving most of my two days in the rain. The trip was made to spend time with Sam, and that we did.

This morning as I got up and was doing my facebook "Happy Birthday"'s Seth was looking over the calender on my desk. Seth asked, "What are you doing at the hair place?". I had an appointment at 8am. I told him I was getting my hair cut and the color fixed. He said, "Oh yeah, you ought to get some brown hair!" Tasha standing beside me said, " I thought your hair was brown". I laughed, Seth is obviously much more observant than Tasha! I'm trying to get all my children out of elementary school before I look gray-headed!! Obviously I'm not being too successful:) Although for the next few weeks I am officially "brown haired" again.

We have a quiet weekend in store, which means we all all be at home even though we have All-Stars football games, practices and lots of other busyness going on, BUT we will be at home! Scott has been traveling every week so it is super nice to be home at the same time, which is on of the reasons I traveled during the week to see Sam...so we could be home together.

Next week I am traveling to Peachtree City to see Chelsea. It will be my very first all-by-myself trip to her house. I am looking forward to that time with her and Bo:)

I have much to do and need to remove my finger talking self from the blog and work on all the things I have not been able to do over the last couple of days. Hope you all Make it Great!

Brothers and Sisters

You know I received a beautiful message:

Amanda I love and admire you and your family for your endless LOVE that you have for your kids and our Brother and Sister...I hope Brenda knew and Marion knows just how much this part of the family here in KY loves you for just simply opening your hearts to two of the best siblings in the world. I know that your family was sent to Sandy and Randy for a reason and I just want to say Thanks!!!

WHO can say that about a birth family? My sister and brother have the kind of family people dream about when wanting to be their "long lost brothers and sisters". They were never really lost as my mom did keep in touch with them over the years. I have to say this and I do mean it..one of the handful of situations that impacted Scott and I to feel so strongly about keeping siblings together was my sister Sandy and brother Randy's (twins) biological siblings. I can remember them all as small children. All separated in foster care yet all truly exceptional kids. My parents, I feel largely due to my mother's poor health, did not adopt them all when they had the opportunity. I think they regretted that later, but you know it really didn't matter...it was an opportunity lost.

The siblings, who visit and keep in touch (a nice reason to be thankful for facebook), are really great people. People you would like and enjoy. They, in spite of their losses, are successful. But, the twins will never have the bonds that a family does who grows up together, love? Yes, but history? No. I hate that!

So as is with much of life I made a note of it mentally. I wrote it in heart and I have tried desperately to not allow that to be something I regret for my own children.

Not long ago at Scott's work family night Sarah and Paden were sitting beside me as Sarah pointed out a young man who graduated from High School with her. He is a great young man, a hard worker and has been working at the plant for a couple of years. Sarah said, "He and his siblings are why my parents adopt the whole family." I looked up to see him. As a young child an older woman adopted him and his younger sister and brother....another family had the older siblings and yet another family more. But all those children lived in the same town, some privileged and some underprivileged. Sarah was right, they were in my hand of impacting stories.

To me, now far removed by time from both of those situations it is not the "privilege or unprivileged" part that bothers me. It is the thought they they had family, brothers and sisters, and time has taken away the opportunity to forge life-long relationships.

Family is so very important. Family help us to be the best we can be. Family is something so many take for granted! Family IS a gift from God. That is what I want for my children, strong life-long bonds and hope of a life-time of friendship. Thus far God has blessed all my children with just that (even if some of them don't know it yet!)

you you you you

The life of a mom is rarely about self. The "o" between the m's is surely for the "ohhhhh" as in oh yeah I get it now! Not about me. If it were about "Me" then it would have an "e" or an "I" included. Parenting DOES include me and I, but in a position of service. I spend an incredible amount of time listening to my children. I spend an incredible amount of time caring for my children. I spend an incredible amount of time giving to my children. It isn't about me, and you know I'm okay with that. It was a serious choice I made, the whole mom thing.

I have a wonderful husband who does spend most of his life caring for his family (just like all the "incredible amount" sentences above). He gets the significance of family of children. I am ever grateful to have him as part of my life, sharing my life and listening to me fuss about parts of our life:)

I do know the day comes when children understand the investment a parent makes, although not usually until they themselves make it...sometimes we are so very blessed to have kids who get it before that time comes.

Understanding my investment of time doesn't make me feel better though when kids are disrespectful. I mean that in a selfish-no-regard-for-anyone-but-self-kind-of-way. That phase seems to be overly heavy during teen years. This morning I stood with a teenager who is not where they need to be and I used the words of one of my older (and incredibly wise) children told me not to long ago. I explained to the teen...

I am no longer going to talk to you about your behavior thinking about how you "can be"...I will only deal with how you are...and today you are not doing well.

I know how my children "can be" but that truly doesn't matter. What matters in this life is how you ARE! I have several kids who are not where I want them to be...no surprise, been dealing with that for years. But, the one thing that simply burns me up is when they loose "respect for others" in their selfish rampages. I do not expect to be thanked for what I do. I don't. But I do expect to be treated with respected.

Last night I asked a son a question on facebook....along with leaving a picture I knew he would like to have. He took the picture, made it his profile and never answered the question. Respect... It was lacking. To me it is such a small thing to expect to be treated with respect....and at the same time one of the most noticable flaws a person can have.

I have children who talk back, who refuse to apologize, who feel that they are just done so unfairly, I have some jealous children...jealous of each other and jealous of other people. That bothers to me no end. But, when one of the things I feel is MOST important, respect, is lacking it truly makes me sad. They're missing one of the key's to life.

I have children who I can honestly say NEVER disrespect me. I really do have them. I can ask anything and they do it. I can say the truth and they acknowledge it. I can talk tough things and they listen (without eye-rolling or talking back or stomping or anger). In my corner of the world, the corner where I do for all and have little done freely for me I find that kind of respect INCREDIBLE. I sadly, or rightly so, will over look a lot knowing that they have SO MUCH GOING FOR THEM!

I cannot manage to share the seriousness of the correlation between respect and life to my non-repecting children. I imagine they'll figure it out someday or they will simply be sad people. The choice will be theirs.

In our world that encourages self, I am ever so grateful for my selfless children.