Yesterday we sat (Scott and Sam and I) with the Intensive yada yada yada therapist and as an example to independent behavior I talked about a situation that happened about 15 minutes before the therapist arrived. I asked if I should have intervened (I was 4 feet away and watching as I wrapped gifts)? I did not intervene and instead ending up watching Sam make several mistakes, disrespecting anothers personal space....which really "looked" like him hitting the couch with a paint stick above her head....her asking him to stop....him not stopping....her asking again...him walking around to stand over her (bullying big time!)....then he dropped/threw/ tossed the stick or in his words "let it slip" from his hand to the couch (right beside sister!)....at the "slipping" point I intervened.
I truly believe children have to be given opportunity to succeed independently in to be and understand what success is....but with Sam, the urge to just take the paint stick away and give him a consequence for picking it up(which is not allowed either) is awfully great. Every single conversation with Sam seems to begin and end with "why can't you trust me?? ...why can't you give me another chance??" When I am a few feet away and I do not see imminent danger I am willing to see how he does. I am usually disappointed. Sam is falling apart pretty quickly. Scott and I talked about it last night. He refuses to be respectful in church because "I forgot all that stuff" ....meaning its okay to write on yourself, giggle, talk out loud, be disruptive to others worship, not listen to mom and dad and plain old be disrespectful to God...not to mention Scott spoke last night and he could have perhaps just listened to Dad's five minute talk (except he "don't remember that stuff"). He is oppositional (no surprise) and he is loosing his ability to Honeymoon. Again, no surprise just sad and bad.
But, I lost my way, the question was how far back is the past? As we sat talking Sam(refusing to make eye contact and mumbling) did not want to talk about the paint stick incident...why? "That was in the past and I don't want to talk about things in the past!"
Needless to say, the day to day is plain old hard for everyone (but especially Sam).
My son thinks everything is the past as well. I am not supposed to tell his dr. what he's done in the past week or month when he asks because "he doesn't need to know about the past". I know that if he went into the dr. on his own he would say everything was fine every single time and would not even be on meds for anything at this point (which would be a huge mistake and very dangerous for our family). I have a really hard time watching him break rules or skate around rules, or argue about rules. I have watched him take every single opportunity to harass and bully his siblings, to steal and sneak and lie. I know I need to give him chances and opportunities, but I can't keep letting his additional chances impose on someone's emotional or physical safety. It is so hard when a child is oppositional and there is absolutely no reasoning with him/her.
ReplyDeleteYou are in such a horrible position, I really hope your appeal goes thru. Once he's 18 is he just cut loose? Are you expected to take him back or continue to provide help in accessing services for adults at that point? We cannot even get services here - my son does not qualify for anything (too disturbed for most programs, but not disturbed enough for others - no perfect fit) and I know he will end up in jail at 18. We can protect him as much as possible until then, but he knows we can't MAKE him do anything at 18 and if he continues on this path, he can't live here at 18 doing the things he's doing now. Heck, I don't want him living here doing the things he does right now.