Sanity

I found a funny quote yesterday "Sanity is for underachievers". I suppose that might describe my problems. I, in my "over achieving", have left my sanity far behind. :)

I have been in a funk, concerns about Sam and the dread of choices I have no control over. I don't blog well in funks....well, I could blog negatively, but just prefer not to. I did read an article this morning that just about summed up our mental health help quest. Written by Judith Warner, the article "Children in the Mental Health Void" was some pretty realistic stuff! I believe the words “Navigation to nowhere” stuck me hardest. That is what this country is providing. We have countless evaluators, but once that evaluation is made you realize they are simply words. Words cannot help. Words help us understand what we are dealing with, but words do not keep my child safe, words will not keep others safe. There is no place to go beyond words. That is the stuff yuck is made of....I am so sick of the word "sad". I think the words mad, angry, frustrated, exhausted, and devastated might fill the bill better. If I were actually a sane person my sanity would be seriously threatened by the loss of hope with Sam.

In a hopeful, flip side of my parenting, this week has been a busy one! Bella and Tasha both are trying out for middle school cheerleader. They have been in clinic all week and will be having tryouts tonight. Mercedez said one day that "Bella said she wouldn't make cheerleader and I asked why she would try out if the knew she wouldn't make it?!". I laughed at Mercedez and said, "Bella is nosy, she wants to know what's going on and where else to find out than to be there!" Bella has had a great week, she has enjoyed knowing everything that's going on:) Tasha has gone from cheer clinic to softball tryouts. Today we will see how that goes....

I took this picture of my three softball want-a-bees as they came home about 8pm. Hungry, silly and wired it took a while to calm this trio down. If nothing else they sure have enjoyed tryouts!

I have to add the following picture, even though it took me a couple of days to do it. Chelsea was home on Wednesday morning. She got up to visit with the kids before they left for school. I snapped this shot(not a great picture of Chelsea and I apologize...that "look" is not what I pictured)....this whole picture, this sight, is one that I have witness for nearly 20 years. From the time Chelsea figured out how to help, she has been helping. Rosie stopped and asked Chelsea to put her hair up and of course she did. I thought to myself (and of course it makes me teary eyed) that this is the last morning ....these "pictures" will not be plenty anymore. I have no doubt that Chelsea will continue to be this kind of person, just not at my house (well, not all the time).

As Chelsea and Bo left Wednesday morning for Georgia I took this on their last trip out the door. They are so very happy! That alone can make me teary eyed for a whole 'nother reason! I have talked to Chelsea everyday, she is putting her home together. Trying to find places for all the beautiful gifts. She is funny (and I love it), last night she sent me a picture of her Living Room curtains, gifts she is now getting to enjoy:) These are the sweetest days for she and Bo!!

Life continues to be pretty well rounded: good and bad; happy and sad; rejoicing and grieving.....Life. I am so very thankful that my house is blessed with joy, in spite of the hardships!

Silliness:)

Chelsea and I sat down to read the messages people wrote on their wedding registry this morning. What fun! Not really a registry book, but neat pieces of black paper that go into her wedding scrapbook. People wrote on the black paper with silver sharpies. This was one of the funniest:



We laughed and laughed at Tori's "PS" and clarification that this was indeed her sister:) I love little kids!

I am not even sure how to begin talking about my trio of toughies. Which is why I always say toughies...it's tough!

Yesterday Scott and I sat through two meetings, one with Zack and one with Carlton. We talked to Sam on the way home, and later to his worker who was in route to a mental hospital with Sam who was simply out of control.

To back up...Zack is moving to a level 3 group home. He had a visit this past weekend and did well, liked it a lot. We are thankful he does like it, it isn't a necessity, but it sure does make the transition much easier. He threw up on big red flag for Scott and I but we let it slide, so much has to happen before home is ever an option.

We sat with Carlton, who is in an exceptional program, and his staff. The bottom line? Carlton is about Carlton, unrealistic expectations and unfounded belief of entitlement. We helped with that, I believe. He will be coming home for Spring Break in a couple of weeks, time will tell.

And Sam. I received a letter from his worker stating that Sam might "need more structure" than they can provide. Sadly, the story of Sam's life. It included the "you might start thinking about other options". I want to just cry, "What options!?". There are no long term (because Sam's issues are not going anywhere) options. They do not exist to our knowledge. Long lines of short term hospitalizations are not really what we are hoping for. Sad Sad Sad! Perhaps most frustrating is that Sam is in control of himself, he is not without understanding. We have found an incredibly wonderful placement for Sam and he has chosen to trash it.

I know God had a hand in these guys becoming ours. I know we have been able to influence them, yet keeping these guys safe, alive and from impending jail is a hard thing!! One of the hardest things in my life. I looked at my calender for the next month, for March, currently scheduled without any more appointments (which appear to be looming) I will be on the road around 48 hours (traveling and meeting). A lot of time. Time is very precious.

I had to laugh at Doug's facebook status:

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berliozon

Time is fleeting and it flies by, and yes, there will be a day I no longer have any to give. I am so very grateful God gives me the 24 hours I have each day and the energy to work and do the things I need to do:)

The honeymoon continues...

I started to say the honeymoon is over, but that is so far from the truth:) Chelsea and Bo stayed the night here last night and left this morning on their way back to PTC. It is hard to be sad at such joy (but moms are allowed...a little). They are so perfectly matched and I am so thankful!

Perfect example..

Last night during reading time I decided to read too. I laughed looking at this picture Tasha took. The cover on the book is upside down and backwards. I sometimes feel like what I am doing is upside down and backwards, yet it is exactly as it should be! The book was fine, just a messed up cover. Reminded me of "never judge a book by it's cover" :) If you were then you likely thought me slightly crazy:)

My guys.

Today Scott and I both are going on visits. Doing that together is a rare thing. Time constraints usually have us doing them individually, taking turns when we can. But today we have a meeting with Carlton and his team. It is about the whole "I don't feel comfortable at home" issue. The social worker seemed to think it might have to do with Carlton not getting to hunt when he comes home. If that is the case, I guess he will just keep on being "uncomfortable". We will see. Scott and I both have not addressed some issues with Carlton (frankly because there seemed to be no need) but today we will. He needs a tad bit of reality(perhaps a truck load, but we shall stick to a tad bit). We meet with him this afternoon.

Before meeting with Carlton we will meet with Zack. Zack had his first weekend visit with his step down placement. He (hopefully) will be going to a level 3 group home. We have a family session to talk about the visit and transitioning.

It is a constant effort to keep these guys on track. Scott and I are both so very grateful for the programs they are in and the skill/knowledge/dedication of the staff. Not at all what we had thought parenting would entail, yet keeping the boys interest and well-being in the center, this is exactly what they need!

I am thankful for my biggies who are stepping up this afternoon to help. John is my most incredible bus diver:) Of all my kids, no one has ever really liked picking up little people, but John is my go to, he is awesome:) Sarah will be home to run the fort, keep people in line, do homework, dinner and keeper of the schedule (we have lots going on at home this week). I am truly blessed with my older children:)


Changing the subject completely I have to add this funny. This morning I was walking to my bedroom and the hall bathroom door was standing open. I have to say this...most all of my children have gotten to the age of "privacy"....they close the bathroom doors and dress in their rooms, no more running naked toddlers at my house. But I laughed and laughed this morning as I watched Seth (who had obviously just finished using the toilet) wipe the seat, flush and THEN lift the toilet seat. He walked out smiling at me. I think, somewhere, he has the process confused?! lol:) But, the seat was up and the he did wipe...haha. I had to make a mental note to address that later (at a non-embarrassing moment for Seth).

Sickies..

The weather keeps flip flopping and my allergy kiddos are struggling. I made John and appointment for tomorrow, Tori was home today, Ryan has been on meds for a week (with no fever) and I have a sinus infection. Just yuck. I took this picture this morning of Ryan after he was dressed and ready to go to school. I feel just like that! Well, as with most things, life moves forward regardless of the yuckies.

Today Lita is trying out for softball today. Tasha and Bella are trying out for cheerleader. Tomorrow Mercedez and Tasha are trying out for Softball too. Spring is in the air. Now if the weather will just warm right up we will all being doing great!

This promises to be another long week, although a surprise one. Kids are getting braces the weekend of the 12th in Atlanta so I had to move Sam's home visit to this weekend, which means I will be headed to Kentucky Friday and then back again on Sunday. Also have three meetings tomorrow in Memphis. I am glad Scott will be with me for those! Scott has signed up boys for baseball and their tryouts are next weekend. Busy busy.....

Quickly the week is already "taken" and I am a little tired just thinking about it. It seems we are entering into the Spring ball season....now that part I love!