Yesterday I had a family session with Zack. We went over a behavioral report card. As we began Zack commented, "I have issues". That is like the understatement of the year....but it still made me want to laugh. Yes he does, and yes he is acknowledging them, but yet he truly is not able to make progress. That part is not funny at all.
He skirted around his "bad day". He did not want to tell me about it. I asked him, "What is the absolute worst thing that I could do to you?" He thought a minute and said, "You could send me to my room, or I might have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner." So often Zack would throw his food resulting in a pb&j later or sometimes he would act out in such a way he could not join us at the table, which occasionally resulted in a pb&j. As he stopped I said, "Do I have control over your bedtime right now? (he said no) Do I feed you dinner? (again no) A few weeks ago I sat here as you shared things that I had never heard and if you remember Ms Anna asking I was literally sick and very upset by your words. What did I do then? (nothing, he said) So, you can share anything you would like and know that I might be sad for you, but I am not going to 'do anything' to you."
He began....two hours later we ended. The jest was disrespect, disobedience, running, not following prompts by staff, destruction of property, shoving staff, threatening staff (with words and objects, staff thought he was trying to stab them)and in the end threatening to take his life(emphasizing that with a belt around his neck).
I am sad. I am sad that after 17 months of treatment this is were he is. I do not blame the rtc. I really don't place all the blame on Zack. It ALL belong on two people, a birth mom who abused substances in-vetro and both the mom and birth dad who destroyed a child's hope at a normal life.
So many considerations. But to Scott and I, safety for Zack and others is number one. Zack now stand a little more than a head taller than me. Not as tall as Jacob, but bigger by weight and bigger than all my other kids at home. His size and aggression makes safety a serious issue. We are ever so thankful for his placement. Ever so thankful, that even if he is not choosing to improve, even if he is not capable of improving, he has opportunity. He has incredible resources right there with him.
On the flip side, I will be in Kentucky tomorrow at a meeting with Sam. Sam apparently flipped off his teacher and threatened bodily harm to other students. I have been asked to be there for that meeting. I am Sam's history.
Chelsea rode to Memphis with me yesterday. I asked if she would like to be in the meeting with us? In Chelsea's words, "um, no. I already did one, that was enough." I kinda feel that way sometimes. These meetings run together. The topic is usually the same, the words spoken are usually the same, the outcome is usually the same. Instead, Chelsea wrote thank you notes (a bunch) and I did the same old same old.
Life can be new and exciting and at other times very predictable. I find most of my "tough guy" meetings to be pretty predictable and my vocabulary is almost always the same. I often wonder at what point it will change?
Hi Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI just had to comment again after reading this post. 24 year ago, I had an adopted child (my first) in an RCT. We adopted him at 8 at twelve he was putting my three year old in danger. When I insisted that he could not stay in my house, the county found an RTC an hour away that would take him- but only if we signed papers saying that the adoption was dissolved and we would never see him again. I cried for days, but ultimately signed. On the anniversary of the day I signed, I still sometimes find myself in tears and it can take while to realize that it is that day. Then I can stop crying and move on with the here and now.
As long as these children come to us so terribly injured, the only way change will occur is when (if) there is a treatment to fix their damaged brains. Until then, this is God's plan, and all we can do is keep plugging. I still wonder how Robbie is doing...
While I do not wish to disolve, I understand the time could come when we have not choice. Many years ago I cried and cried over a young young sibling group we were fostering (likely could adopt) who I asked the agency to move. I had not done that before, yet the 4 year old boy had such serious issues (even at four). He put a thermos on the stove, turned it on and caught the thermos on fire. I was simply sick over the loss of that little boy and his sweet 3 year old sister and 18 month old brother.
ReplyDeleteThe next foster home....he burned the house to the ground. A total loss. At that moment I realized how very lucky we were. I still mourn the loss, yet I still agree with the choice.
Thanks for commenting:)
My older kids feel the same way Chelsea does. I had my son come into a few psychiatrist appts. last year because Daniel was just getting so out of control in the office - angry that I would dare to tell the psychiatrist what was going on (his words? "he doesn't need to know all of that, you just want me to look bad") and refusing to leave the office or get in my van to come home when we were done. My son to this day is disgusted by the words spoken, the dr.'s interpretation of what was happening, etc. He's 21 now and he'll still say, "that dr. does not care what he's doing to any of us, he's only concerned about Daniel and how he feels". I'm sure that's an oversimplification, but it is true when we really get down to it. We just keep going to these meetings, saying the same things, doing the same things, leaving frustrated. There are many times I think we could just as easily have done this via conference call since nothing ever changes. Maybe the services I need just don't exist for us here. We get thru crisis after crisis and I truly think that those in charge figure that if they just ignore us long enough, he'll eventually turn 18 and be another agency's problem (yeah, like the police, jail, etc.). Not good enough for a child we had so many dreams and hopes for. Yes, the bio parents are off living their lives, not having to deal with the kids or their issues, probably incapable of ever dealing with these things. I don't doubt that some day my kids will meet them and love them and never think twice about having a relationship with them if the parents are willing - I'm the one who's angry at them, who wants them to pay in some way and I need to get over it. Sometimes though I lose sight of the fact that their drug exposure in-utero IS the issue - it started the wheels in motion to make them the kids they are today, instead of what the psychiatrists are trying to tell me, which is that I need to constantly lower my standards and just "let him be a kid". He's almost 16 and yet migrates to younger kids (5-7) - and then fights them for their toys. He is very inappropriate towards them in speech and behavior - who in the world would let their little one's be exposed to that? I guess I'm supposed to.
ReplyDeleteAren't the meetings just emotionally exhausting? I usually leave them wanting to cry or being so exhausted I just want to eat (too much) and watch mindless tv - doesn't mean I get to, it just always seems to be a draw.
You're right about his physical size being a safety issue. Daniel is small, but has been growing alot over the past year. I know that he couldn't be here if he were a normal sized 16 yo - he'd have already hurt someone. When they start bragging that they can't be restrained by staff (plural) and they actively try to injure adults in charge, you can't have him around children. Good luck! You are always in my prayers.