I have some hard-headed kids. I usually count that as a great blessing. To me it means anything they do will be TOTALLY their responsibility...no one will talk these hard headed kids into "doing" something wrong, they only "do" what they want!
So as parents it is truly our objective to teach them. It is our responsibility to help them see the reason why doing the right thing is right...and instilling in them the desire to do right without being led astray. Those hard-headed kids, properly directed are truly incredible forces to be reckoned with (in an awesome way). Yesterday I was talking to Chelsea about a subject that I am not going to repeat (as I would like offend some reader), but she said something I loved. Chelsea said, "It is better to be able to say "I never did that" than to say, "Yeah, I went but I only watched"." Chelsea went on to say, " Because the only reason anyone wants to go is to know whats going on...and if you wait until next week everyone in the whole school will know ...and you will realize you probably didn't want to see that anyway." Hard-headed. Chelsea has always been sweet and easy, but she is about as hard-headed as they come. But thankfully hers is beautifully directed! THAT is the sweetness of a hard-headed kid.
Yesterday I experienced the yucky hard-headed kid (mine of course). I have a daughter who was disrespectful to me last week. So what that she felt she was totally right and that the situation was not her fault. When I asked her to help, she refused (verbally and bodily). When I talked about personal responsibility that is involved in "borrowing" from someone (in this case a brother) she talked back. That attitude continued. I finally stopped myself and simply told her that she would not go to EU if she did not apologize to ME for her disrespect to ME. Later in talking to Scott we agreed...of all the things our kids do...the "make it right" attitude is a must. SO many times you can not put all back...but you can do your best to make is right. Usually, seemingly always, our words are the way we make that happen.
All week.....no apology. Scott talked to the middle school kids a few mornings ago in the way to school about winning the battle but losing the war. He gave examples and tried to direct my hardheaded one to doing the right thing. nope.
So yesterday as EU approached I walked into her room and asked if she had any words she needed to share? nope. I talked to her about what happened last week, she even admitted she was disrespectful to mom. Did she want to apologize? nope. I questioned her, was she really willing to give up EU over pride? yep. She really wasn't going to say "I'm sorry mom". nope. hummmmmm. I often wonder if my kids might be brain dead (as Bill Cosby jokes) and not simply hardheaded?? But, that hardheadedness comes from me, so with that in mind. I changed the flow of the conversation. I explained that it was totally fine for her to choose to not apologize. But there were consequences for not doing so. No EU....AND... until Spring break....NO phone privileges, no computer privileges, no ball games, no nothing extra and NO youth group activities(for real, if you are so prideful you will forfeit EU you don't need to be at anything). Each choice comes with consequences. And this hardheaded mom will not be manipulated or disrespected without consequences. To me...each battle that deals with respect? EACH one is a war. If I do not win, my children will lose. Lose respect for others (and with that respect for self)....that is not really an option for me.
With the new consequences came a widening of the eyes and a "I am sorry". That same child loves EU and is having a great time.
I think my momma would have said she was "cutting off her nose to spite her face". Self destructive behaviors. I did follow that apology with a new rule....when a "wrong" is committed, and an apology is in order, she has 24 hours to make it right or the immediate consequence will be grounding for a month. I am so very serious about respect. And I PLAN to have this dear daughter as hard-headed as her big sister, and equally beautifully directed:)
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I just mentioned to my dh the other day that they just seem to sabotage themselves (and each other) at every turn sometimes. I have asked my almost 17 yo to come clean and tell the WHOLE TRUTH about some recent illicit activities on her part and she will just stare blankly, eventually (and I mean like an hour later) ask exactly what I need to know because she doesn't know what I know (confused? me too). Every few days we get another piece of the puzzle and it just keeps getting worse and worse for her. I believe she is never going to get it. She has fasd and needs an external brain - but doesn't believe anyone who cares about her. She latches on to new people (kids her age or their parents) and believes everything they say though. Of course, these are not people who share our values so it's always a disaster. She also truly believes that these new people who do not know anything about her, except for what she's told them, have her best interests in mind - huh? I think we're beyond hard-headed in our case. I used to describe her and her brother (Daniel) as the most stubborn kids I'd ever encountered - I think it's more than that now.
ReplyDeleteI like the time limit on the apology. I would hope that they'd eventually be remorseful regardless of when they apologize, but they need to be accountable and really need to either discuss their actions and apologize or just plain apologize because holding on to this anger and feeding it for a week or longer is just not healthy. At some point they need to acknowledge they were wrong and move on. How can you hope to improve your attitude when you're holding on to anger and bitterness?
Ah Lisa, I have some of those fasd kiddos and I agree that it isn't a "normal" hardheadedness. I am sorry, sincerely. BTDT and continue to be there and do that with some. It's those kids who CAN DO that cause me great frustration!
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