Doom, Dispair and Agony on Me...

That old song comes to mind quickly when I am frustrated. While all of America laughed at it on HeeHaw, it is laughter spent from understanding. We all have those moments when we would like to just sit on the front porch and wail.

Why me today?

My Sam is not going to be able to stay at his placement. Well, I should say, when he is released from the mental hospital he will not be welcomed back. Yesterday I spoke with his counselor, whom I love and appreciate. She indicated that the house parents were not willing to "go there" again. I understand. I stated that. The only difference between them and me is that they have a choice. Parents do not, well, not really!

I sat with Sam on Saturday morning talking about choices. I think he gets it. I actually know he understands, but he is just not willing to behave(for the lack of a better word). Sam's "reality" has been just incredibly positive, this situation encompassed a two parent home(with both parents home 24/7) and two big "brothers" who are well behaved and 17 years old. In my mind, this is a good a life as it can get for Sam. His own bedroom, a walk in closet bigger than any we have at home, a private bathroom, a game room with more games that we have here....a good place. Those "two parents" have two grown sons who have their masters and are successful Christians. Those "two parents" were ministers on the Canadian prairie for years (like 30 years). Godly, compassionate people who tried. I hate that they feel the lack of success. I wish for ALL involved that success was the song of the day.

So it's "back to the drawing board" that has me singing despairingly. There are no great opportunities for Sam. He would like at least one member of my household dead, no opportunity here.

I have been reading a book "10 Prayers God always answers" and I really like it. I agree even that there are things God simply wants to GIVE us. But you know, the clincher is pretty simple, you have to accept that gift to actually have it in your hands. You have to want peace, want wisdom, want hope, want those things to get them. Sam does not want peace, he is only concerned with himself and God gave him free will, free choice and with that freedom there aren't limitations. He can choose to do terrible things. By Choice. I really need to pray for Sam's heart. I do pray for him, but I need to change my prayers. Sam need to desire good things in life. I really think he understands about consequences, perhaps he can begin to desire positive consequences.

But for me, my pity party must end. My song is over and now skipping (irritatingly). It is time to take a big breath and sing a new song, pray a new prayer and hope for new choices. Because I do not have the power to choose for Sam. I can sit up opportunities, such as he has had, but he must take them. He must choose.

So, back to the drawing board, I will look for more opportunity, I will scrape up resources and I will fight for the very rights of Sam. Because I am his mother, I love him and I will continue to place opportunities in his hands. As I typed today I realized what a powerful God we have....doesn't He do those same things for each of us each and every day? He places opportunities in our hands and hopes we make the right choices!