The "have to"

I'm pretty tired right now. I have had a very long week. I'm not so much physically tired as mentally. So much going on in my head. My internal filing system is baulking at the point of overload. These are the current things pressing.....

1. Finding time alone with God.
2. Dealing with my travel related to my trio. Tomorrow I have to be in Memphis, next week I have to be in Kentucky.
3. Arranging my schedule to leave to pick up Caleb in Georgia (after his graduation) and bring him home for the holidays. I will leave before my girls get back from Montana.
4. Christmas ...nuff said.
5. Getting everything ready for everyone or having everything ready for everyone to take to the beach (in eleven days)...again..nuff said.
6. Prayerfully helping my young friend who is facing incredible tough choices.
7. Prayerful about my dear friend Shannan who is going to have to undergo open heart surgery and I need to figure out how to help (meaning which of her children come here....and all that it encompasses to add more to my load).
8. My daughter is getting is two months, eight weeks...so very much to do...so much involved....money (ugh!!) is needed at the very worst time of the year for me...with all the concerns I have such great hope for my daughter and her wonderful decision.
9. Making my plans for my kids during Jacob's surgery on the 21st.
10. Life...did I mention I have cleaning and cooking and homework and yadda yadda yadda....
11. Prayers for the Kirby family whose only dear daughter was murdered today by an abusive spouse leaving to small children....doesn't that just put it all in perspective?!

Today I found myself extremely sad. Overwhelmed by a conversation. Exhausted by the repercussions. Sad that life is just yucky sometimes and I am not perfect. I know I fall short...every day...but gosh if I don't really try!! I have no intention of ever letting anything come between me and God! After I had a slight melt down I called Scott who lovingly told me I was alright. Haha...I have a very smart husband:) So I take a deep breath and let it all go. I cannot allow people to discourage me, I cannot allow people to make me feel less than I am (a wonderfully made child of God).

But I still find myself digging into the "have to" of life. The part that you can dig into when you really need help and you realize the buck stops with you...you "have to". My life is on overdrive right now...The "have to" doesn't come from any false sense of responsibility, it doesn't come from a showy personality...it comes from love. I love my family and I love my friends and my "have to" will help me do all the things I need to do ...because I CHOOSE to. The "have to" is just a whole lot like faith...lol...in fact that is exactly what it is. I have faith that God will help me to accomplish all I need to do. He will give me strength to do what must be done...I do my part and I know He will do His.